In a previous post, I have started this series by describing Narcissism. I described its origin in psychoanalysis and in Greek myth. I also offered the description that psychiatry gives of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (DSM 5’s NPD). In this post, I will address the problems of dealing with people with these personality traits. I have to advance that—given that we ALL have an EGO—we all have narcissistic traits. Some of us show more narcissism, some less, but nobody is FREE FROM EGO. Some of these narcissistic traits we all have, however, are tolerable and adaptive. They constitute an aspect of a healthy self-esteem.
So, the first take home message is this:
- NOT ALL NARCISSISM IS BAD. On the contrary, a quota of healthy narcissism is necessary to survive. Some narcissism is essential to assert yourself and to succeed in this world. Narcissistic deficits are as much a part of abnormal psychology as Narcissist excesses.
- An important point to understand in regards to narcissism is that it is a spectrum of personality traits.
- We can also say that there are many different “types” of narcissists. I will be describing some of them in this series. And these types can be different from one another in some respects.
- We can begin a classification of “Narcissists” by saying that there are at least two groups: the “good” narcissists and the “malignant” ones.
Overall, the narrow description given by the DSM 5 (The current diagnostic manual of psychiatry) responds to the “malignant” type of narcissist. This is so, as the DSM 5 describes a “Narcissistic personality Disorder” (NPD).
By definition, a “personality disorder” involves problems with adaptation to society and others–and some dysfunction or suffering inflicted on self or others.
This implies that the NPD is a dysfunctional–and extreme–manifestation of a malignant, unemphatic, form of narcissism. Now, “malignant” in this context does not mean that narcissists are necessarily “Evil” (although they can certainly be). “Malignant,” in this context, rather means that it is a more extreme form of narcissism that predominates in these individuals.
In this sense, the term “malignant” is the equivalent to saying in Medicine: This is a “malignant” cancer rather than a “benign” tumor. For this reason, this term should not be understood here as passing a moral judgment on a person who meets this DSM 5 criteria.
The “malignant” element denotes more problems in everyday living for the narcissistic individual and for those that have to deal with them. Their self-centeredness puts them at odds with with world. The key negative trait in “malignant” narcissist is the ones that cause the most problems in their daily interactions with others. This is their LACK OF EMPATHY. Other traits that get in the way of their getting along with others is the narcissistic sense of GRANDIOSITY, their LACK OF INSIGHT, and their EXCESSIVE NEED FOR ADMIRATION. The final obstacle in the narcissists relational life is their perennial PROJECTION OF BLAME (Blaming others for goes wrong in their lives and taking only responsibility for what goes well in them).
The hallmark of “a Narcissistic stance” in life is having a SELF-CENTERED VIEW OF LIFE, PEOPLE, AND EVENTS. This is another way of saying, NPD is a psychological disorder marked by excessive selfishness, egotism, and ego-centrism. These traits manifest themselves by the proverbial “I Win, you Lose” proposition of the narcissist in his interactions with others.
The narcissists ARE ALWAY COMPETING. And they always need to PREVAIL OVER OTHERS TO FEEL WELL ABOUT THEMSELVES.
Narcissists cannot see the world objectively–but through the lenses of their own subjective needs. Therefore, they cannot be fair, objective, or impartial. The narcissists always look at things and situations from a self-centered perspective. They only see things from their point of view, this is from of WHAT IS CONVENIENT AND EXPEDIENT FOR THEM.
Narcissists are usually in conflict with the world at large and are they blinded by their own EGO to the larger picture and the needs of others in life.
Narcissists have severe problems seeing the world from other people’s perspectives; so, they are rather RIGID individuals. This is so unless it is convenient for them to pretend “flexibility.” They see others as mere “extensions” of themselves and as “means to their ends.”
This characteristic of narcissists’ denotes a core developmental issue deficit in the childhood process of separation-individuation. This process of separating from the outside world—following the EGO’s egotists needs–finishes in the case of the non-narcissists by age 7.
When you are dealing with a narcissist, keep in mind then that he/she is psychologically and emotionally “stuck” in the “I am King/Queen” mode of the 5-year-old child.
So, in this post, I will address how to deal with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I will not get into the other forms of narcissism present in many people. Keep in mind also that “narcissism” is a central trait in many severe mental illnesses. These disorders include such varied conditions as bipolar disorder, autistic disorders, the delusional disorders, and the schizophrenias, to mention just a few, but for completely different reasons. These are not the narcissistic types that I will address here.
The “good” narcissists, on the other hand, are socially adaptive people—not psychotics or personality disorders. They usually are very successful individuals. In fact, many celebrities in most fields of endeavor—and especially in those that are admired by the majority–show narcissistic traits. These traits are manifested in their need for admiration and in the pride they display in their achievements. This self-satisfaction from being admires stems from having special talents that make them “singular” in the eyes of others. These “unique talents” largely contribute to their outer success in life and their secondary narcissism.
In this case, some of their “narcissist traits” are secondary to their success, the approval they get from others–and the pride they feel in their accomplishments. These narcissistic traits are seen in highly successful people and do not constitute a disorder unless they are extreme.
These traits are present in those that are outstanding in the sports, the arts, the business world, and in the entertainment industry. Narcissistic traits are also often seen in the political arena dictators and in charismatic leaders.
On the extreme side of the so-called “malignant narcissism,” you will find the psychopaths and the so called “antisocial personality disorders.” These people are sexual and/or violent predators. Most people that meet criteria for these diagnoses also meet many of the criteria for NPD. The difference between them though, it that the NPD tends to be more respectful of the law.
The narcissists focus on their own grandiosity and their need for admiration instead. And they do not necessarily disrespect societal rules or the rights of others, even if they regard them as “inferiors.”
In the latter group, the emphasis is on a chronic pattern of disrespect for the law and the rights of others. So, the antisocial personalities (ASPD) are narcissists who do not respect the law and break the rules of society becoming predators on other members of society. NPDs may “use others” and “benefit from them,” but they are more careful in the way they conduct their personal affairs. They avoid more overt antisocial actions to keep appearances. And thus, they are not found committing egregious crimes and landing themselves in prisons as often as the ASPD.
Many sophisticated criminals, con artists, charlatans, white glove thieves, and corrupt politicians, share strong narcissistic traits; and many of them meet full criteria for this disorder. But, being more intelligent than the antisocials, the narcissists keep their egotistic strivings concealed from others for their own purposes.
So, the malignant narcissist group specializes in hypocrisy and in concealment. They pretend to be one thing (keeping public image is essential for narcissists ), while they pursue their own selfish objectives in an covert manner.
The other group of people with narcissistic problems are those with Borderline Personalities and Histrionic Personalities. These conditions are more frequent in females than antisocial personality (ASPD). And ASPD is much more commonly diagnosed in males.
Males, in general, tend to act out their antisociality in aggressive ways. Whereas, females tend to do it in sexual ways. Both groups have in common a relative disregard for the law and a degree of oppositionality to authority. Borderlines and Histrionics, though, do not engage in criminal activity nor do they have sheer disregard for the rights of others.
Many people in these groups—called the Cluster B personality disorders–suffer from “oscillating self-esteem issues.” They go from one extreme of an idealized vision of themselves (when they get the approval they crave) to a suicidal sense of worthlessness (when they are abandoned, not admired, rejected or unloved). Because of these oscillations in self-view and their rapid mood swings, these individuals are oftentimes mistakenly confused with people suffering from Bipolar disorder.
So, now, what to do regarding relating to the NPD?
Well, here are a few first key suggestions (more useful suggestions are coming in future posts):
1-If you can detect narcissistic traits in someone, stay away from them.
2-Keep in mind that many narcissists are very attractive people initially. They can be outstandingly good-looking and charming characters when they want to be, and many of them have singular talents. Narcissists often display high levels of performance in sports, in business, in the arts, in the entertainment industry, and/or in the work place.
3-Many narcissists are greedy and money-centered, so they often succeed in the financial world. A good example of this type is Gordon Gekko (played by Michael Douglas) in the movie “Wall Street.” The money–and the power that goes along with it– creates “a halo effect” that make these men look “bigger than life” and more attractive.
3-Remember that many narcissists are individuals with very high IQs (Intellectual Coefficients), but they score low in EQ (Emotional Coefficient). This latter deficit is the result of their inability to empathize with others and see things from their perspective, regardless of how high their IQ may be.
4-The narcissist is like “a light magnet” for the low self-esteem person and for the “wannabe” types that gravitate towards them. And, as those insect-killer-lights, narcissists can be lethal for these individuals (those people who have problems with narcissistic deficit rather than an excess of it).
5-The narcissist, by definition, believes He is THE SUN KING. Therefore, He requires a set of planets to circle around them to complete themselves and feel good.
6- Narcissists often feel contempt for their followers. An exception to this rule of contempt for others is when they respect–and even admire–other narcissists or other successful individuals. However—as a rule, along with this admiration-goes intense envy that is concealed from others. The narcissists only look up to other “Suns” or “Stars” in the social firmament.
5-So, beware of the charms of the narcissists—particularly if you are a woman. This is good advice for females that may be mesmerized by the narcissist’s charms and brilliance. Unfortunately, many women have a penchant to fall for this type of “omnipotent” dominant male. There is something about these narcissistic type males that evokes an unconscious wish to reach completeness in women (of their own narcissistic strivings) by attaching themselves to All-powerful male figures.
The best historical examples of these situations of infatuation with narcissists was the relationships of Clara Petacci with Benito Mussolini and of Eva Braun with Adolf Hitler. Eventually, their admiration for narcissistic men led these women to losing their lives by their side at the end of World War II. This is how lethal narcissists men can be in the life of women. So, watch out!
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Dr T
